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Board Games That Should Become Movies
by Chris Malone,posted Aug 19 2013 5:30AM
I noticed that my voice was getting hoarse Saturday night at dinner and sure enough I couldn't make a squeak Sunday morning! It's not a good thing when you depend on your voice for you livelihood. SO I'm gargling salt water and resting my vocal chords today. I'll be back as soon as I can and thank you for al your well wishes! :)
Although I am at a loss of the spoken word, I can certainly type and share with you this gem! You know they made a movie based on the board game Battleship, so what other board games could be turned into a Hollywood Blockbuster?
Monopoly is arguably the most popular game in the world. There are hundreds of themed editions. Everything from "I Love Lucy" Monopoly to FedEx Monopoly. The desire to become insanely wealthy and force your friends into bankruptcy has universal appeal. There are so many directions you could go with a Monopoly movie, but how about a drama about the housing bubble? It's 2006. Geraldine Pennybags has just graduated from college and wants to do something important with her life. But her rich Uncle Pennybags uses his gleaming top hat and jaunty white mustache to seduce her into the family business of glamorous high-end Manhattan real estate. But then 2007 hits and everything starts to go horribly wrong. The whole thing ends on the Atlantic City Boardwalk, the most expensive space in the game.
Enough horror movies have featured Ouija boards over the years. Why not base an entire plot around one? Of course, Ouija boards aren't actually games, although they're packaged and marketed as such. They lack things most games have, like a purpose or rules. But they provide other pleasures. Like playing Hangman with the undead. Or trading one-liners with Dorothy Parker from beyond the grave. Mostly Ouija boards are good for freaking out your friends. Maybe your friends who killed a lonely miner during spring break last year. And now, one by one, they're showing up dead with pickaxes through the head. And the only way to find out the next victim is by spelling their name on the board. But that gives the killer an advantage because you'll all be in the same place at once.
Why are there no college sex romps set at medical school? Not every medical school is Johns Hopkins. There must be one where the residents drink beer right before work and the nurses are impossibly buxom. Nothing says sexual tension while drunk at a dorm party like Twister. And nothing says botched nose job like Operation. So why not combine the two into one crazy mash-up movie? There could be a buzzing sound whenever one of the characters does something wrong. The audience would be encouraged to drink every time it happens. The film could end with an indictment against plastic surgery with a feel-good message about being yourself at any cost. And then everyone shotguns a beer and tries to put their left hand on red when their right hand is all the way over on green.
Children are terrified of cooties, but for some reason they've loved the game Cootie since 1949. To play Cootie, children must assemble a plastic bug from various assorted parts. Whoever completes their bug first wins. The bugs are brightly colored and adorable, not creepy and crawly. The concept's still a little weird, though. Adorable and a little weird are perfect ingredients for a kids movie. Just imagine a super-cute Cootie on the hunt for his one missing leg. Add in a couple of wisecracking Cooties as sidekicks and a pretty pink Cootie for a love interest and you've got a movie. It may not be very sophisticated, but hey, neither is playing Cootie.
Everyone loves a good murder mystery, but Hollywood just doesn't make them anymore. You can see people solving crimes every night of the week on television, but it's much more fun do it at the movies. What's that, you say? Clue is already a movie? Brownie points to you for remembering 1985's "Clue." The film starred Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn, Lesley Ann Warren, Christopher Lloyd and Michael McKean. The novelty marketing angle was that the movie had three different endings. You didn't know which one you would see when buying your ticket. All three solutions appear on the DVD version. "Clue" is tons of fun and provides a great showcase for six comic actors. It's about high time to combine the board game trend with Hollywood's love of remakes. If only to see Jeff Bridges play Col. Mustard. We saw him doing something very suspicious with lead pipe in the conservatory. Um...wasn't this a movie?
The Game of Life
The title really says it all, doesn't it? Created in 1860 by Milton Bradley, Life was the first board game to become a hit in American homes. In the original version there was actually a square labeled Suicide. Landing on it would end the game immediately. Luckily, the game has gotten a little less macabre in the past 150 years. The recent Hollywood trend is adapting self-help books like "Think Like a Man" or "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and giving them a narrative. The same technique could be applied here. The possibilities with Life are endless.