Quite possibly the best voice you will hear all day, that’s because when you hear Chris Malone weekdays from 3pm to 7pm, your workday should be about done. Chris keeps your favorite music going strong as you head down the home stretch. Keep 98.5 KTK with you in the car, as hitting the rush hour adds stress; Chris keeps it away with the Stress-Free Drive Home, starting weekday afternoons just before 5.
Seriously, 13 Things To Stop Doing In 2013
by Chris Malone,posted Jan 9 2013 5:51AM
When I first read this it gave me a good laugh, but a lot of what it covers is true. Some of these sound like nothing more than a grumpy old man or woman who fear change, but some of them I'll admit to doing :)
Taking About How Good Bacon Is
Oh man, you love bacon and bacon wrapped/flavored/covered foods? ME TOO. And so does fucking everyone else. It’s tasty, smoky meat fat. Saying that you like bacon, as though this is some character-defining trait, specific to you, is like saying that your favorite band is the Beatles. Liking these things isn’t even a matter of opinion. It’s just a given. So move on.
Responding "Maybe" To A Facebook Event Invitation
If you answer “maybe” to an event invitation you’re saying either, “I might attend your party if there is absolutely nothing better to do on the planet and I’m bored,” or, “I know I’m not going, but I fear that outright rejection would irreparably damage your fragile psyche and ruin the party for everyone.” And only a real egotistical dick would say that stuff. So, this year, when you receive a Facebook event invitation, instead of being a wishy-washy jerk, do the decent thing: don’t respond.
Caring About Lindsay Lohan
We can all agree that seeing a car crash is captivating. The inability to look away makes sense. But once the crash is over and all that remains is a heap of broken garbage, continuing to stare is weird. Therefore continuing to pay attention when Lindsay Lohan does some new sad, screwed up thing that’s remarkably similar to the last sad, screwed up thing she did just makes us look pathetic. This year, let’s look away for a bit, give her a chance to repair.
Responding "Oh Dear, I Hear That Going Around", When Someone Says They're Sick
The world in which we live is nothing more than a big pit full of smaller, grosser pits full of constantly cycling germs. So, yes, you have heard that stomach bug Leslie at work got is going around. Because it has been going around since the dawn of human civilization. Language was invented so that people could complain about their ailments and then have other people minimize and dismiss those ailments in one sweeping, “Oh, I hear that’s going around.” This year, say what you really mean instead: stop whining, you pathetic baby.
Referring To Yourself As The "Mom" or "Dad" Of Your Pet
If you do this and you actually have children, it’s insulting to your kids. If you do this and you don’t have children, it's insulting to children you may one day have, and it just seems really sad. You should definitely love your pet, but you can do that without evoking the image of you birthing a dog. Also, while we’re at it, you don’t need to try to constantly convey how much you care about your pet. No one is paying attention. Just take a picture of your dog adorably acting like he’s people, and post it on Instagram. That is the extent of your pet’s value to anyone else.
Complaining About Hipsters
Remember all those 80s movies about hulking jock bullies who were constantly seething and shaking their fists at disgusting, weirdo nerds? Complaining about hipsters makes you sound like that. There are only two types of people who complain about hipsters: people who don’t realize that they themselves are hipsters, and fuddie-duddies. You’re probably not aiming to be either of those things, so you should just stop. Take a cue from the real hipsters and spend this year working hard not to care.
Trying To Get Reddit Karma, Upvotes, Facebook Likes, ReTweets Or Any Other Kind Of Quantified Internet Validation
Reminder: none of this stuff translates to anything of actual value in real life. The game of these numbers is designed to make you interact with the respective sites in a repetitive way that the owners of these sites can then monetize. Posting a picture of “karma machine” kitten on your “cake day” in order to up your karma level is just a waste of time. Unless it translates into money, what are you doing? If it does translate into money, go for it. You gotta do what you gotta do. But it will probably have a negative effect on your karma.
Acting Like It's Quirky To Like Pop Music
You do know that “pop” music is short for popular music, right? It is specifically engineered to be liked by the majority of humans. You cannot spend more than 4 hours listening to popular radio in a car without liking that One Direction song or that other Katy Perry song. This is not a quirky opinion. The only reason you think it is is because you think of yourself as a cool, unique, snowflake of a human. Don’t do that. You’re just like everyone else. Start a private session on Spotify and embrace it.
Inviting People To Connect On Linkedln
What are you doing? Come on. Sending a LinkedIn request is a clear declaration that you are unemployed, desperate, and woefully behind on Internet trends. It is a warning to all your college friends with better jobs and ex-internship supervisors that you’re going to ask for a favor soon. Luckily, ignoring your LinkedIn request will be good practice for when they ignore the inevitable late-night email containing your resume and a pathetic excuse for a cover letter that you will send a few weeks later.
Being Surprised By Fox News
Fox News is a conservative news network. You know this. It’s what it’s known for. If you’re watching Fox News, you’re probably watching it in order to see conservative commentary. Being surprised by it is like being surprised that the Daily Show’s commentary skews liberal or that comments on all news websites skew insane. Welcome to the world of [what has become journalism] news. It’s been like this for a while.*
* I will add this is the same for those surprised by CNN and MSNBC. (Chris Malone)
#Hashtagging Everything Outside Twitter
Hashtagging things serves an actual organizational purpose on Twitter. It doesn’t do anything when you do it for random words in your Facebook status except make you look like some kind of tween turd.
Syncing Your Twitter Feed With Facebook
If I follow you on Twitter, I don’t want to read your Tweets in two places. If I don’t follow you on Twitter, it’s because I don’t want to read your Tweets at all. Even if you decided to sync your two social networks in order to draw followers from Facebook to Twitter, dumping a random selection of disjointed sentence fragment replies to unknown Twitter handles on your friends’ news feeds is not the way to do it. #stopit
Saying Something Is Offensive When t actually Doesn't Offend You
The Internet is full of people getting worked up about things that they deem “offensive” because they might offend other people, but don’t actually offend the person claiming offense in the first place. It sounds confusing, but it’s not. It’s just dumb. Being offended by something is already a pointless response, so getting fake offended is doubly pointless. If you think my opinion on bacon is wrong, argue the facts and leave your hypothetical feelings out. And for fuck’s sake, stop trying to start serious discussions in comment sections.